The Bashing of deadbeats on Fathers Day...

Happy Sunday and Happy Fathers day to all the DaddE's and Single MommE's reading this post.

Every year for Fathers day many people, both men and women, speak on the subject of dead beats, the past two years I have begun to see posts of people who are upset at the bashing.  These people feel that its inappropriate and that it shouldn't be acknowledged on this day.  So I ask this:  Do you same people step up and speak to your friends, brother, cousins, uncles, fraternity brothers etc and express your discontent with them not handling their business? Are you as vocal with them about not calling their sons and daughters, about missing graduations, about not giving financial support to their children all throughout the year?  Do you sit them down and explain that their children need them, they need to hear from them, they need to see them and not just on holidays when its time for some sort of pat on the back but all year round?  Do you put up Facebook stats yelling at them for being dirtbags when you know that they are doing nothing to help fix the problem of single parenting in our communities? Or do you just ignore all you know because its not your problem and you don't want to get involved?  Do you sit quietly and watch the mother struggle and the child cry when dad doesn't show up or call back?

In the mist of writing this post I spoke to my cousin, a father who goes above and beyond for his children and expressed my concerns. His response is he just wishes that single fathers got the same reaction on mothers day.  And while i agree whole heartedly I wonder how many people know as many single fathers as they know single mothers?  And why are the single mothers blamed for their choice in the man they had a child with while single fathers are praised for stepping up to the plate and doing what women do all the time?

At the end of the day this year I put my feelings for loser men to the side and instead of posting bashing status' and tweets I decided to post this blog instead.  What are your thoughts on the subject MommE's and DaddE's...To bash or not to bash?

Where Do You Cry?

They say tears are a way for you to clear out emotion to see more clearly so why is it that things seem more blurry then ever.

While I know life is a journey with many hills and valleys, twists and turns I wonder when this girl will hit a patch of clear smooth road.  I took a chance and uprooted my daughter from the comforts of family and friends to a place where we knew few.  I felt it would be the best thing for us as a family.  So on the one hand things for Jade are much better, she will be attending a private school on almost a full scholarship, and she will be able to join a great dance company at an affordable price.  But for me things haven't been great at all I have lost my job, realized that the relationship I had with my father was not at all reality and am struggling to make it in a way I never thought possible all while still smiling so that Jade never has a clue of what is going on.

Yes I know what most people will say: "Things will get better!" "Take it one day at a time!" oh and I can't forget "God has a plan for you!" And yes the reasonable side of my brain, the side where my faith is compartmentalized, where my love for friends and family lie, the side where I understand I am in this journey for the long hall, the smarter me understands all of this. But there is still the side of me that just wants to cry.  I want to cry until I cant cry anymore.  I want the ugly cry where your body goes into convulsions and you cant make sounds.  I want to cry myself to sleep, a sleep so good I don't think about any of my struggles.  But where can I cry?

At first I cried in my bed at night but that proved unsuccessful when Jade would pop up in my bed with me.  I then tried going on rides alone and crying but that wasn't a good idea either.  So now I take showers and cry my eyes out.  I figure if Jade does walk in she will think the water on my face is just from the shower and I will still be the super strong woman she knows me to be.

So single MommE's and DaddE's where do you cry?

Nightmares

6:30am my door opens and I hear "mommy can I get in your bed?"
My first reaction is "NO! Get back in your bed!" but something tells me to open my eyes and look at Jade and as I do I hear the sobs and see the tears.  Immediately I wake up and ask what is wrong? I didn't know what to expect but the words that came next even scared me:

"I had a nightmare that you died!"

After listening to Jades nightmare about me being attacked at a carnival and beaten to death in front of her I didn't know what to do or say at firs.  Eventually I went into MommE mode: hugs, kisses, and cuddling (in my bed of course) and I explained that it was just a dream and I was ok.  Although I seemed to calm her down I was a wreck.

After dropping Jade to school that day I came home and googled nightmares in children and this is what I found:

Web MD states:
Nightmares occur from time to time in many children, but they are most common in preschoolers (children aged 3-6 years) because this is the age at which normal fears develop and a child’s imagination is very active. Some studies estimate that as many as 50% of children in this age group have nightmares. Nightmares involve frightening or unpleasant dreams that disrupt the child's sleep on several occasions and cause distress or problems with everyday life. When children wake up because of a nightmare, they become aware of their surroundings and usually need comfort. As a result, these children often wake up their parents as well.


Jodi Mindell, PHD listed these coping mechanisms on the sleepfoundation.org:

• Listen and understand. Try to understand your child’s fears, and don't dismiss or make fun of them.
• Reassurance. It is important to reassure your child if he is afraid. 
• Teach coping skills. Teach your child coping skills and discuss alternative ways to respond, such as "being brave" and thinking positive thoughts; 
• Use your imagination and be creative. Use your imagination to fight imaginary fears, like monsters. Many families have found “monster spray” to be a wonderful way to help a child cope with bedtime fears. Some children are comforted by having a pet nearby for nighttime company (even a bedside fish tank may help). Whenever possible, have your child be actively involved in coming up with solutions to help him gain a sense of mastery and control. 
• Nightlight. No matter what your child seems to be afraid of, a night-light can help. Nightlights are fine as long as it does not prevent your child from falling asleep. Another thing to try is leaving the bedroom door open so that your child doesn't feel isolated from the rest of the family. 
• Avoid scary television shows. Keep your child away from scary TV shows, videos or stories that may add to his fears. 
• Discuss your child’s fears during the day. Talk to your child about his fears during the day and how he can be less frightened at night. Additionally, build your child's self-confidence during the day. If he feels secure during the day, this can help him feel more secure at night, too. 
• Have him stay in his bed. Don't encourage your child to get out of bed. He should stay in bed and find out for himself that he really is safe so that he can learn to overcome his fears. 
• Check on him. If your child is anxious about you leaving, check on him frequently. It is better to check on him on a predictable schedule, every 5 or 10 minutes, so that your coming and reassuring him is not based on him crying or calling out for you. 
• Star system. Some children get reinforced for being scared at night by getting lots of attention for being afraid. If this is the case, switch the scenario. Tell him how proud you are of him for being brave. Set up a star system so he can earn stars for being brave and sleeping on his own. After earning a certain number of stars, he can turn them in for a treat, such as watching a favorite video, going to the park, or baking chocolate chip cookies

Since that night Jade has slept well and Im ever so grateful for that but I thought if I'm experiencing this there must be other parents going through the same things.  I hope this info can help you in some way. And I hope you leave comments with what helped you and your children. 

Until Next time MommE's! 

Graduation

This weekend my baby girl graduates from Pre-K.  The school asked for pictures of her to show her progress over the past 4 years.  So while I looked through pictures I also took a walk down memory lane.  I have come a long way these past 5 years as a mom and as a woman and I am so proud of me.  I have survived being a single mom, court battles, being laid off of work, moving to a new city and so much more.  I have cried rivers, seen counselors, and thought I would never make it through this thing called life.  While I know I have a long way to go, and I am still facing many challenges I can pat my self on the back and say way to go Sakinah.

Being a mom has taught me that while I'm not perfect Im a good person.  I give way too much of myself and am often taken advantage of (mostly by the people who claim to love me most).  I have learned that although I have always known my dad I have never had a REAL relationship with him and I see the cycle repeating itself.  I have learned that most of the characteristics I detest in my dad are the same characteristics I detest in men and so I must change my patterns to find my happiness.  I have learned its ok to ask for help because the reality is there is NO WAY IN HELL to do it all by myself.  But mostly I have learned that I make Jade happy and that is the ONLY thing that matters.

So as I get my baby girl ready for her big day I realize I am graduating too.  I am leaving behind the days of beating myself up, of trying to please everyone else, and of trying to be superwoman and I am now moving into the next stage of my life...PUTTING ME FIRST, SMILING MORE, AND KEEPING JADE HAPPY.

Until next time!!!

I'm baaaack!

Its been a long time since my last post and so much has happened.  I don't even know where to begin, however be prepared MommE's and DaddE's because I will be back posting at least once a week and letting you come along with me on my journey.  We will talk about education, travel, relationships, careers, families and a lot more.  So get ready to board the MommE train with me again.